Baking Heero Yuy In...
by theguywhohasaname
Summary: A parody of... I can't remember the authors name... It's a parody of Making Heero Human. It's good, weird, funny, and lots of other stuff, too. Read and review.
1. Default Chapter

This is my parody of Making Heero Human by Cherry Blossom. Uh... OH SHIT!!! I CAN'T DO THAT!!! NONONONONONONOOOOOOO!!!! I should have checked the damn thing before I started to make a parody of it... I don't do that... I mean, Cherry Blossom talks, Heero talks, Duo talks, there's some little arguement, and... It doesn't make any sense! Damn it... Definition of a parody; a literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule. Meaning that I have to do it... Fine.  
  
Author: Why the hell did I have to make a parody of this thing?  
Heero: Because you're funny, and smart, and talented, and a great writer, and you're very good looking, and...  
Duo: Heero, for some reason I can't help but think that the author is making you say that.  
Heero: Yup. He's got a gun about ten times bigger than mine, I have to say it.  
Author: That is correct. Now, enough of this! On with the fic!  
  
Duo looked up at the timer. "Hmmm... Well, in two minutes, the oven will be ready." Heeor walked into the kitchen. "Aha! You're just in time, Heero!" Heero froze in terror. "Oh my god, what have I just walked in on?! I've got to get the hell out of here!" Duo grabbed Heero and motioned for Quatre to lock the door. "Well, Heero, here's what we're going to do... We, meaning Quatre, Trowa, Wufei and I, want to have our own television show. But we couldn't think of any ideas. Then Quatre suggested a cooking show. But I looked all around this kitchen and couldn't find a single thing to make any food with, which meant that we couldn't use that idea. But then I thought of something brilliant."  
  
"Oh, shit... I just had to leave my gun in my room... If I had my gun I could get out of here, but nooooo, I left the damn thing on my nightstand. 'I'll be fine, I'm just going to the kitchen for a little snack.' If I live through whatever you have planned, I'll never leave my gun behind again..." Duo grinned. "Our show will be called 'Cooking Heero.' That give you any ideas on what we're going to be doing?" Heeros eyes went wide and he looked around for a knife. "What happened to all the knives?!" "Well, we figured that'd be the first thing you went for, so I had Wufei take them. You can't get anywhere near the knives." The timer dinged, and Duo grinned an evil grin. "Good, the oven is now ready..."  
  
RECIPE 1: HEERO SOUFFLE  
  
"Quatre, would you mind beating those egg whites? A souffle is not complete without stiffly beaten egg whites." Quatre nodded his head and began to beat the egg whites while Duo poured milk on Heero. "We have to have milk to make a souffle... For a Heero Souffle, try two cups of milk." Trowa poured a melted stick of butter on Heero. "A stick of butter is to be poured over the head of theHeero. Keep in mind that you do everything correctly, for Heeros are quite rare. You might never get another chance to make a Heero Souffle. And of course you can't forget about the flour. A half a cup of flour should be shoved down the Heeros throat, which serves two purposes. One, you need flour for a Heero Souffle. Two, then he can't scream." Duo grinned happily. "And then stick a cup of shredded cheddar cheese up his nose." Duo said as he did so. "And then all that's left is to make sure the oven is preheated to 350 degrees, at which point you put Heero in and leave him there for about 40 minutes or until a knife inserted in the middle comes out clean. I wouldn't suggest using a knife though... Not until you're sure he's been thoroughly cooked. Otherwise, the flour wont help any, and he'll scream. Then the neighbors come over with the police, and when you offer them a taste of your souffle, things do NOT go well."  
  
RECIPE 2: HEERO STEAK  
  
Duo pulled Heero out of the oven. "Well, good news. We aren't going to eat you! Though you are the best smelling souffle I've ever smelled. And you don't look all that bad either. But we have to make you into a steak now." Heero spit out a half cup of flour and exhaled a cup of shredded cheese. "No way in hell arre you going to do that to me again! I'm getting out of here!" Heero ran for the door, but was stopped by Quatre, who pushed him backwards into Duos arms. "No escaping. Now stand up!" Duo said as he pulled Heero to his feet. "Now, this is very simple. A Heero Steak only requires cooking. You just find a Heero, put him on the top of your stove, and set 'im on fire! Are you ready, Heero?" Duo looked down and saw Heero praying that something would happen so he could escape. "Sorry, Heero, but praying can't compare to cooking. It doesn't get the job done. You need heat for a steak." Duo tossed Heero onto the stove and started all four burners. "OH SHIT!!! THAT'S HOT!!!" Duo frowned. "Damn it... Now the neighbors will here, and the whole thing will be ruined... Hurry up! Cook, Heero, cook! I said hurry!" Duo growled angrily. "Not cooking fast enough..." Duo tossed a can of gasoline on Heero, and then smiled. "Yeah, that's more like it! Just don't let the steak burn for too long, or else... Ooh... Um... It looks like he's a little overcooked..."  
  
"Duo... As soon as I recover from these burns... I'll kill you..." Heero said before he collapsed. "Well, that's all for todays episode! Tomorrow we'll show you how to make a Heero Cake and a nice big loaf of Yuy Bread! See you then!"  
  
Er... I might continue this, and I might not... Depends on the reviews... You tell me whether I should continue or not. Goodbye for now, people! 


	2. Episode 2; Sticky nut rolls and Hotdogs

Oh, boy... This can't be good... I'm writing a second chapter to this thing... Well, thanks to a request, I will not be making a Heero cake or a loaf of Yuy bread today. Instead... Well, read and find out....  
  
RECIPE 3: HEERO STICKY NUT ROLLS  
  
Duo cursed as he looked through his recipe book. "Damn thing, where the hell is the recipe for sticky buns?!? Oh, uh, hi, folks! Today we're going to show yuy how to make Heero sticky buns! Get it? It was a joke! Aw, you bastards don't have any sense of humor..." Duo frowned at the other gundam pilots. "We are going to show you how to make Heero sticky buns, however. Unfortunately, the damn recipe book doesn't say anything about them, so we're going to make Heero sticky nut rolls instead." Duo grabbed Heero and shoved him in front of the camera. "Alright, first you pour 1/2 a cup of maple-flavored syrup on the Heeros head. It says you can use corn syrup instead, but we're using maple syrup. Then you toss on a 1/3 of a cup of brown sugar, and 3 tablespoons of melted butter." Heero screamed out in pain as the melted butter scalded his eyes. "If the police show up anytime while you ae cooking, just say you decided to have some kinky sex. Usually they'll buy it. If not, blame it on any blonde asian guys in the room." Quatre ran onto the stage to strangle Duo, but Duo pointed to the camera, and Quatre just smiled, waved in the cameras diection, and walked off. "Sprinkle 1/3 a cup of walknuts or pecans on the selected Heero, and then stuff 2 cups of flour down his throat, once again preventing screaming. Er, browning. Ya know, from the heat and all. Then add a tablespoon of baking powder, and a half a teaspoon of salt." Heero attempted to scream again as the salt hit one of his burn wounds from the Heero steak Duo had made. "After that, all you need to do is add 1/3 a cup of shortening, 3/4 a cup of milk, 1/4 a cup of granulated sugar, and 1/2 a teaspoon of ground cinnamon. Then toss the Heero into the oven and bake him at 425 degrees for 30 minutes, or until golden." Towa tossed Heero into the oven and closed it, and soon after a cloud of flour began to our out of the oven. "Heero, f you keep trying to yell, the flour is going to spill out, and we're going to have to cook you all over again." Duo complained, and the flour stopped. A while later, Duo removed Heero, and showed him to the camera. He was a sparkling gold color. "See? Cooked to perfection! Can't you just smell those Heero sticky nut rolls? I can!" Duo said as he sniffed Heeros crotch. "They don't seem very sticky, but they're nuts, all right..."  
  
Duo tossed a bucket of water onto Heero, and steam rose off of the gundam pilots body. "Duo, I cannot, in any language, using any words, even begin to coney the pain that I am in. I can tell you, however, that I will SLOWLY TORTURE YOU OVER THE COURSE OF TWO YEARS BEFORE KILLING YOU!!!" And, at that point, Heero passed out from the pain of the flour in his now-raw throat. "Well, you know, that reminds me of something..." Duo began, grinning evilly.  
  
RECIPE 4: YUYDOGS  
  
"Nothing goes better with Heero sticky nut buns, except... Aw, hell, lotsa things go well with them, but still... Now we're going to make some Yuydogs!" Heero momentarily wokeup, before passing out again, when Duo stuck a fork in his @$$. "Well, the meat appears to be good... So, all you really have to do is toss a half a teaspoon f salt on the Heero you have chosen for your Yuydogs, and then add a little dash of pepper. I don't know how much, all it says in this recipe book is 'Dash pepper,' so we're going to do just that." Wufei grabbed a bottle of pepper and dashed by Heero quickly, dropping the entire contents of the bottle on him as he went by. Heero sneezed, and then passed out yet again. "First make sure the Heero is unconcious, and then shove the cheddar cheese you used for the souffle right back up his nose, and then put the flour back in his mouth, so that he can't scream and get the neighbors to call the police. Besides, when the police ask what happened to that nice young man who was always running around singing 'I want to be an oscar meyer weenie,' and you hand them a Yuydog, things don't really go all that well. Anyways, after you've done all the previous steps, just grill the Yuydog over medium-hot coals for 5 to 6 minutes, turn him over, and then grill for about another 4 to 5 minutes. Now I'm using a recipe for hamburgers, but I figure they're pretty much the same, so it should work..." Duo informed the viewers as he set Heero on a mound of medium-hot coals. "Now remember, if the police come over... Well, if one of the policeman calls the other 'you dog,' do NOT hand the second policeman a Yuydog and say 'you are what you eat.' Trust me on that one. Kay?"  
  
Duo struggled to push Heero back onto the coals, screaming "You aren't cooked yet!" While Quatre smiled and waved at the camera. "Well, that's all, folks. Tomorow: a Heero sandwich and some saltwater Yuy candy." Quatre smiled an even larger smile and then turned off the camera.  
  
Er... Well, please review... And... Um... Goodbye. 


End file.
